Sent out to the SC mailing list on April 20, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Hello, creatures of the night!

I know you’re just clawing at your screen to take a gander at all the fancy new updates we’ve got going on this month. G-get it… cause we’re Smashy CLAW? Ha! I really am very clever. Anyway, let’s make haste with this dull introduction and delve right into the meaty, juicy news stories that I know you all love so very, very much.

HEADLINES:

- Independent Records Show – 4/25
We have a concert next week, details at http://www.SmashyClaw.com/shows!

- Smashy Claw Turns Two!
We’re officially decrepit.

- Monthly MP3: Homophobic Genius

Attached is the usual monthly songy thingy. http://tinyurl.com/scmm-apr13

- F#$@ed Up Horoscope

- Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Me want news!” You’re usually more articulate impatient guy:

— Independent Records Show – 4/25 —

Hey, so… I know it’s sort of short notice, but we have a show next Thursday at Independent Records in Denver. Our show starts at 6 PM, but there’s a whole night of great music happening there starting at 5. Before us will be the punk group All Waffle Trick and after will be rap-rock band Drop Switch. It’s just one part of the multi-venue, week-long extravaganza known as the Root 40 Music Festival. At any given moment in this next week, about 8 independent bands will be playing across the city, and that’s pretty cool. Also, we will be hanging out at the Root 40 Opening Day Expo tomorrow, April 21^st from 11 AM to 5 PM. For details on the festival as a whole, go to http://www.root40.com. For information on our show specifically, please visit http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows. Come support local music, people!

— Smashy Claw Turns Two! —

In April of 2011, Nathan and I started Smashy Claw. This month marks the two year anniversary of that (this of course means that we’re officially old and should quit immediately). In that time, we’ve performed a slew of shows across Colorado, recorded our soon-to-be-released debut album, had the KickStarter for that album be over 400% funded, and have plenty more planned. I really feel that, though we’re hardly conquering the local scene right now, we have been making some great music, and the future looks nothing but promising for this group. I hope you’ll all continue to stick around, until I write an entry for our 40^th anniversary in one of these updates. I guess what I mean is, thanks for joining this mailing list and supporting the band.

— Monthly MP3: Homophobic Genius —

This month’s digital audio offering for our electronic mailing service is a demo recorded a few months ago during Austin’s 3^rd February Album Writing Month challenge (if you’ve never heard of that, check it out: http://www.fawm.org). This one’s kind of politically inclined, which is new for us. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-apr13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —

You sit, shaking with anticipation for the digital clock on your phone to turn from 11:59 to midnight. You silently wait for what seems like an eternity. At long last, the defiantly slow numbers before your eyes suddenly shift, revealing a new day has begun. You perform a thankfully brief dorky dance of excitement that is anything but graceful, and would probably result in much embarrassment and persistent mockery if anyone else was present to witness it. For you see, this isn’t any normal day, it is April 20^th, the stoner’s Christmas. The origins of why this particular date would be chosen by the masses as ideal for getting high is a mystery to you, but you hardly care as you enthusiastically dash off to be reunited with your long-neglected smoking pipe (the last time you lit up was about an hour ago). As you veer the corner that leads into the room that houses the device, you miscalculate your eager steps and accidentally knock your head against the wall rather forcefully. Now you lay paralyzed and twitching on the floor of your apartment, almost apathetic to your permanent injury. You just lie impatiently, hoping for someone to run in and hand you a joint. Your priorities are weird.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

 “50 Cent’s headphones are priced at $300? Man, inflation is a bitch.” – Nathan Long

April fools! 50 Cent’s headphone prices are very reasonable.
-Austin

Sent out to the SC mailing list on March 15, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Hello Smashy Claw enthusiasts!

Once more it is time to regale you all, if only for a brief few minutes of time, with some updates on the aforementioned band with the weird name:

HEADLINES:

- KickStarter is All Successful and Stuff
We did it! http://tinyurl.com/kicksmashy

- Logan Awards Results
SC was nominated for an award? http://www.loganawards.com

- Monthly MP3: The Syrupy Blues Again
A sort-of-new thing! http://tinyurl.com/scmm-mar13

- F#$@ed Up Horoscope

- Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Uh, news? C’mon, man. You’d think for just one month we wouldn’t have to remind you!” Fine, MOM:

— KickStarter is All Successful and Stuff —

In last month’s update, the main focus was on our recently started KickStarter campaign (http://www.tinyurl.com/kicksmashy). Our goal for this crowd-sourcing venture was to raise $300 to print our debut album Former Spine later this year. The funding period has now ended, and we raised $1,274… I know, right? That’s literally 400% of the initial goal. We just wanted to extend a very hearty ‘OHMYGODTHANKS’ to anybody who pledged any amount during the past month. Even if you couldn’t afford it, we really hope you all enjoy the album once it’s released.

— Logan Awards Results —

As I’m sure many of you were completely aware of, Smashy Claw was recently nominated for an award. A Logan Whitehurst Memorial Award for Excellence in Comedy Music to be precise. You may recall that this is the same award that Austin was a judge for, a few years ago (with such esteemed fellow judges as Dr. Demento and “Weird Al” Yankovic). Your awareness of this nomination was likely not helped much by the fact that it is first being mentioned after the whole ceremony has taken place. Let’s not hold you in suspense: we lost. However, you can see who did win at http://www.loganawards.com.

— Monthly MP3: The Syrupy Blues Again —

Remember a long time ago when we sent you a very obviously improvised blues song about various kinds of syrup? Well, here’s the same basic thing, but recorded in the studio! Austin made this for a school project. Expect a new version next year and every year for the rest of existence. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-mar13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —

You will run into an old friend that you haven’t seen in quite a few years. Unfortunately, he’s not how you remember him at all. The man you see before you is broken and weak. While questioning him about his exploits during your separation, you learn that his life is in shambles. His children were eaten by ravenous wolverines, the stress of which culminated in an unsavory divorce from his wife. These events led to your friend having a mental break-down at his job, which he was promptly terminated from. Afterward, he spent several months in a psychiatric ward under careful watch. He concludes his tale by mentioning that he had just recently left the institution. During the end of this heavily emotional soliloquy, you find yourself running late for a crucial meeting at work. You see your friend’s eyes swell up with tears, and for a moment you see the lapse in sanity lurking behind them. You know that he wants, no, needs some comforting words from an old pal right now. However, you ditch that loser and head off to your highly lucrative business meeting. “Later, dude!” you think, “Hope I don’t get some of your brains on my shoe when I walk back home with my barrel of money and see you’ve been voluntarily splattered by some huge truck.” You’re an ass.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

 “Tonight shall be more epic than the culmination of all events in my life leading up to that moment… we’re having pretzels.” – Nathan Long

See ya next update, when we’ll all be one month closer to death!
-Austin