Sent out to the SC mailing list on November 25, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Howdy, pilgrim!

In this month’s transcendent electrified mailing message, we will take you on wings of text, as it were, through the vast grassy meadows of our immaculately woven gold strands of delicious heavenly language to describe once more the imperatively important activities of some band or whatever.

HEADLINES:

- CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP, the Music Video
Our first video is out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_nw3YuByKA

- Former Spine, People Seem to Like It!
Folks are digging the record!

- Monthly MP3: Cardiac Probe (Live at Herman’s Hideaway)
Live alien stuff: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-nov13

- F#$@ed Up Horoscope

- Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“That was pretty conceited, guys” WE ARE PERFECT, SHUT UP:

— CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP, the Music Video —
In October, we partnered with YouTube sensation Albino Black Sheep to make an animated video for Former Spine’s lead single, “CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP”. It’s our first official music video release, and we’re very proud with how it turned out. If you like adorable gore, you’ll dig it! Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_nw3YuByKA.

— Former Spine, People Seem to Like It! —
Since the release of our debut record last month, a few reviews have been released commenting on the album. You can check them out at http://spheremusic.me/2013/11/05/former-spine-by-smashy-claw/ and http://www.colomusicbuzz.com/smashy-claw-former-spine/, respectively. If you have a blog or something of the like and want to review our CD, we would really appreciate any feedback. Alternatively, you can review on iTunes and Amazon as well.

— Monthly MP3: Cardiac Probe (Live at Herman’s Hideaway) —
This week’s sacrificial audio offering is another selection from our set at Herman’s Hideaway last month. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-nov13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —
After a long night of binge eating and Netflix watching, you venture down to your solemn, lonely bedroom to drift off into another restless dream. As you lie awake in the blackness of your isolated dungeon, you once again consider how vacant and purposeless your life has felt these past few years. As your breath hangs in the cold air, you hug your blankets a little tighter as if to seek some warmth and comfort from something, however inanimate it may be. You desperately plot out how you might improve your dreary situation, continuing the unsuccessful ritual of nights past. Alas though, on this night a realization hits as you abruptly sit up in your mattress. You seem oddly excited about the future for the first time in many hundred hopeless days. The next morning you sell all your earthly possessions, give all but $20 of your life savings to charity, and with the remainder buy a costume from the local flee market. You spend the rest of yours days standing out on the highway dancing for the passing vehicles as Lumpy the Rug-Cutting Bumblebee. Dude… what? Why did you think this was a good idea?

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —
“Everyone, your wish has been granted. Nathan has laryngitis and will actually shut up for once.” – Nathan Long

Goddamn, we’re awesome.
-Austin

Sent out to the SC mailing list on October 25, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Greetings, you gorgeous group of gallivanting and globetrotting ghouls!

In this month’s terrifying email excursion, Smashy Claw drops some important news on you people and your various faces. Are we finally releasing the findings of our morally-questionable biological experimentation (done in a gargantuan titanium bunker 14.05 miles below the surface of the Earth), you ask? No, of course not, that’s top secret. How do you even know about that? Don’t be alarmed, but a team of totally-not-genetically-mutated bear/crab/human monsters have been dispatched to silence you and your troublesomely inquisitive ways. So, uh… what were we talking about again? Oh right, news. Yeah, here’s that:

HEADLINES:

- Former Spine Released!
The new album is out! http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine

- Album Release Show – Live at The Laughing Goat, 10/27/2013
Celebrating Former Spine’s release by playing it all! http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows

- Monthly MP3: Waterpark Inside Me (Live at Herman’s Hideaway)
A brand new song awaits at http://tinyurl.com/scmm-oct13

- F#$@ed Up Horoscope

- Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Oh god, what evil have you unleashed upon the world?!” Hey now, asking questions is what got you into this mess in the first place:

— Former Spine —

Attention everyone ever, our debut studio album Former Spine has just been released (http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine)! This 16-track, 48-minute introspective adventure through the mind contains some ridiculously catchy tunes, exceptionally unique lyrics, and refreshingly inventive arrangements. Smashy Claw’s debut album is a fantastic first effort from a quirky-rock band at the beginning of their career. You can get a copy today via our website (http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine), digital copy on iTunes (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/former-spine/id711896417), as well as many other retailers!

— Album Release Show – Live at The Laughing Goat, 10/27/2013 —

This Sunday, we’ll be celebrating the release of our aforementioned new album by playing every damn song on the thing live for numerous living human people! From 9 to 11 on the 27^th, we’ll be performing Former Spine in its entirety for the first time ever! Costumes are strongly encouraged! For further details, visit http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows.

— Monthly MP3: Waterpark Inside Me (Live at Herman’s Hideaway) —

Earlier this month, we played a show at the lovely Herman’s Hideaway venue in Denver. So, just as we’re announcing our current album, here’s a live recording of a song from the next one! Marketing, yeah! Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-oct13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —

You miss being a kid. There, you said it. Sure, you had your stupid mom and dad telling you what to do all the time (brush your tooth, do your homework), but what was so bad about that? A minor amount of parental oppression certainly can’t compare with the crushing responsibility and lonely disappointment of adulthood, right? You suddenly remember that old episode of The Twilight Zone, “Kick the Can”. You remember that by taking part in the youthful game of can kicking, the old people were able to relapse into childhood. This recollection mixed with the knowledge that Halloween is next week gives you a brilliant idea! The following Thursday, when all the little kiddies are out traversing the local streets for a sugar-high, you too can be found trying to score some candy. To this end, you don a disturbingly snug Dora the Explorer costume. Sadly, you get arrested for being creepy. I mean, did you really think that was going to work, professor? Stop taking life advice from Rod Serling, dumbass.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

 “Nobody understands my sense of humor. I love Nobody. He’s my buddy.” – Nathan Long

I hope that monster squad didn’t rip too much of your face off, cause we were kinda hoping you’d buy this new album.
-Austin

Sent out to the SC mailing list on September 21, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Introductory salutation!

Opening paragraph explaining that this is another edition in a series of monthly mailing lists executed by a band called Smashy Claw. Secondary sentence that elaborates on the core elements of the first, adding in a funny twist. Closing sentence that reiterates the thesis once more by reaching whatever unimpressive punch line the paragraph was building up to the entire time.

HEADLINES:

- You Can Now Pre-Order Former Spine!
News item we want you to pay attention to the most, http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine

- Tennyson’s Tap. 9/28 with The Inactivists
News item that is less important, but worthy of note, http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows

- Monthly MP3: Spines
Brief song details preceding download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-sep13

- F#$@ed Up Horoscope

- Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Comment regarding introduction!” Response segueing into content:

— You Can Now Pre-Order Former Spine! —

Extremely excited announcement of Smashy Claw’s debut album Former Spine finally going on pre-order! Revelation that it can be acquired at http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine. Declaration that the album will be officially released on October 22^nd, but if purchased now consumers will receive an immediate download of 3 songs from the aforementioned album, as well as a digital bonus disc upon release. Question relating to why readers are still looking at this text when they should be buying the album. Reassurance that this thing is really good, and the band is very proud of what they accomplished with these recordings. Reiteration that the disc can be bought at http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/former-spine. Proclamation that America will almost certainly be a better   place once you have attained this CD.

— Tennyson’s Tap, 9/28 with The Inactivists —

Invitation to join Smashy Claw on the 28^th of the current month at a music entertainment venue entitled Tennyson’s Tap for an hour of entertainment that is musical in nature. Acknowledgement that during these happenings, other talented bands such as The Inactivists and The Cattle Axe will be performing similar types of harmonious theatrics. Reminder that further details regarding this event can be found at http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows

— Monthly MP3: Spines —

Short description that goes before link to free audio file. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-sep13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —

You find yourself performing some sort of common activity. A humorous amount of verbose language is implemented to indicate the author’s intellectuality/contrast entertainingly with the mundane quality of your actions. Amidst these ordinary proceedings, you make a crucial error in judgment that results in a grossly exaggerated and highly unlikely consequence. The narrator then mocks you for your stupidity.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

 “One sentence that’s clever.” – Nathan Long

Final thought.
-Austin