Smashy Claw | Experimental Rock

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Smashy Claw Sends Some Seasonal Spam – 12/18/2015

Hey, gang!

Long time, no spam. Here’s a few updates to enrich your holiday season with. Christmas just isn’t Christmas without an email from that band you barely remember, ya know?

HEADLINES:

Smashy Claw’s Claw Machine
Get ready for a new video every week! https://www.patreon.com/smashyclaw

New Video: Claustrophobia
Get your paranoid holiday fix. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaZriXpAGYg

– Monthly MP3: Adolf the Blood-Soaked Fuhrer
A nice offensive holiday cover for all the kids!
http://tinyurl.com/scmm-xmas15

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

Guy: “One video a week sounds ambitiously suicidal.”
Austin: “Yep! Behold, our crazy death wish!”

Smashy Claw’s Claw Machine
Coming 2016 to the land of Smashy Claw: Claw Machine, a weekly video project. Again, we’re going to be releasing a new music video EVERY WEEK for as long as possible…. I thought it was prudent to clarify, as the whole concept of a video a week is crazy, but we’re gonna do it! FOR YOU! Wanna make sure you don’t miss a single week? Become a patron of ours on our new Patreon page: https://www.patreon.com/smashyclaw

New Video: Claustrophobia
Speaking of videos, we just released a new music video for our song “Claustrophobia”. Finally, a Christmas tune for all the crazy conspiracy theorists! GOD BLESS US EVERYONE! Check it out at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaZriXpAGYg.

Monthly MP3: Adolf the Blood-Soaked Fuhrer
This month’s collection of free audio waves is a stupid Christmas parody we made a few years ago for our criminally neglected podcast.
Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-xmas15

F#$@ed Up Horoscope
You stay up late for an airing of It’s a Wonderful Life because you don’t know how DVRs work, I guess. You’re horrified by the unflinchingly miserable storyline and turn off your television before witnessing the surely equally bleak conclusion. You run out your front door, screaming in terror. Your neighbors look out their windows in curiosity. One such neighbor yells out in disgust, “Put some clothes on, you crazy idiot!” Oh, did I mention you were naked? Cause you are. Undeterred, you start running in a circle in the snow-covered street, occasionally slipping, falling, and getting back up to continue this insane escapade of yours. It’s just a movie, man. Get some pants and chill out.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise
“When in doubt, it is, best, not to, use a comma; or a semicolon.” – Nathan Long

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all round the land
A present of spam was bestowed by some band
-Austin

Smashy Claw in Spammin’ It Up! 2 – Revenge of the Spam – 5/9/2015

Sent out to the SC mailing list on May 9, 2015. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Hello, neglected masses!

Welcome to another sporadic adventure in the topsy-turvy world of Smashy Claw-related news items! It’s been like a year… sorry about that. Hopefully we can all get over this period of callous negligence and enjoy some good ol’ fashioned shilling. Ready? Okay!

HEADLINES:

Stuff That Happened in the Last Year
Seriously, sorry for the stupidly long absence.

Two New Videos!
My Almost Me – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I6Woukt9x8
Jar of Worms – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aPWwuFIBbk

– FuMPfest 2015
We have a show next month in freaking IL! Wow!
http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows

– FAWM 2015
Jesus, there’s a new FAWM?! We have been gone awhile.
http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/fawm-2015

– Monthly MP3: Flying (Demo)
A new track from the new FAWM. New!
http://tinyurl.com/scmm-may15

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

Guy: “I have missed your rambling introductions so, good sir.”
Austin: “I’m unsure of the sincerity of that statement.”

Stuff That Happened in the Last Year
So, it’s been awhile since we sent out one of these. There are tons of reasons (Austin finishing college, Nathan working a lot, the ravenous alien apocalypse that the band heroically everted single-handedly but was swiftly covered up by the government), but no one likes excuses. The main one is that we just haven’t been doing much we can talk about publicly yet. It suffices to say that we’re working on something that we think will be really cool, and you’ll know about it right here, as soon as it’s ready to be announced. Thanks for sticking around, you lovable bunch of weirdos!

Two New Videos!
Holy crap, that’s right! At the end of last year we totally released two new music videos for songs from our (increasingly older) Former Spine album. Both of which were debuted on Albino Blacksheep, as has become a tradition. So please, go check out the nifty stop motion King Kong tribute Jar of Worms (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aPWwuFIBbk) and the animated plight of the faceless My Almost Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I6Woukt9x8).

FuMPfest 2015
In just a little less than a month, the gang will heading up (or… down?) to Chicago for a show at the second annual funny music festival, FuMPfest, a thing put on by the dudes over at the Funny Music Project (FuMP). Us Claw lads will be performing a full hour of our more comedic tunes on Sunday June 7th at 11:00 AM. You can buy passes for the whole weekend at http://www.fumpfest.com, details as always are at http://www.smashyclaw.com/shows. Be there or… I don’t know, engage in less laughter than you would otherwise have that weekend, I guess.

FAWM 2015
Another year, another FAWM (February Album Writing Month). Austin once again managed to complete the ridiculous challenge of writing 14 songs in February this year. You can check out the results of this bloody struggle for forced creativity at http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/fawm-2015. Go ahead and download these demos for free while they’re available!

Monthly MP3: Flying
This month’s audio offering is a selection from the aforementioned FAWM 2015 tracks. This one’s a bit of a departure for us, being that it has such a sparse arrangement and contains very few lyrics. We’re pretty excited about it.
Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-may15

F#$@ed Up Horoscope
You insert your meager tokens into the public transportation vehicle’s currency dispensary and enter into the claustrophobic enclosure. There seems to be a mass of onlookers as you journey down the aisle looking for an empty pair of seats to find some sense of privacy within. Alas, you settle for the least offensive stranger to sit next to after passing an ocean of gross troglodytes. The annoyed woman you have chosen reluctantly moves her belongings from your desired area and you lower yourself into the uncomfortable position beside her. An hour vanishes behind you like so many miles of road as the bus makes its journey toward its destination. You’ve had bad allergies all week and reach in your pocket to find you’ve misplaced your tissues. You want to ask the lady if she might have any but are nervous to irritate her any further. After a few minutes of tension, you gently inquire if she might have any spare snot-wiping devises. She doesn’t respond. After a few awkward seconds you ask again. Once more, no answer. Becoming a bit perturbed, you reach over to tap her on the shoulder, but your fingers fall right through her body. Beginning to worry, you swish your hand around her person only to find there’s nothing there. You get up from your seat and begin running around the aisle desperately flailing your arms, looking for something to grasp. To your dread, all the passengers are illusionary holograms. Suddenly the vehicle begins to shift around. From outside people see a seemingly normal bus transform into a seven-story-tall robot monster. Blood pools at its feet as your crushed body hangs lifelessly inside. You probably should’ve taken the 6:30, dude.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise
 “The idea to start selling live parakeets at Target was a complete failure. They were flying off the shelves. – Nathan Long

See ya next year!
-Austin

Smashy Claw Breaks Their ‘Less Spam’ Resolution Almost Immediately – 1/25/2014

Sent out to the SC mailing list on January 25, 2014. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Incoming secret message from CODE NAME: SC-008:

In the past few years, you have been privy to some rather sensitive, earth-shattering private government developments via this mailing protocol. The agency has entrusted this information to a very carefully selected small subsection of the population. Not because small numbers equal less risk and certainly not because this is actually some easily-receivable mailing list from a band that only has like 10 fans. NO! We have chosen your advanced mind to behold these top-secret briefings because you and only you are capable of absorbing matters of this magnitude and responding appropriately and discretely. Let us begin.

HEADLINES:

– Bluestribute Reviews Former Spine!
Lovely, lengthy review, http://bluestribute.net/smashy-claw-former-spine-review/

– The Eye of the FAWM
Coming up next month: FAWM! http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/oddaustin/

– Monthly MP3: Hey Jude
From our new record: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-jan14

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope
 
Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise
 

“We’ve a spy in our midst!” AHH! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!:

Bluestribute Reviews Former Spine!

Earlier this month, local music website Bluestribute Entertainment published a rather lengthy and thoughtful reflection on our new album Former Spine. In it, their writer details his reactions to the entire 16-song track list. We appreciate the commitment to completeness they’ve got going on over there. You can read the all-encompassing article at http://bluestribute.net/smashy-claw-former-spine-review.

The Eye of the FAWM

As absolutely all of the world will completely recall with increasing regularity, Austin and Nathan (but way more mostly Austin) have been undertaking a challenge known as February Album Writing Month (FAWM) for the past few years. It’s where during the shortened month of February, songwriters are asked to write 14 new songs. In fact, the majority of the Smashy Claw oeuvre has come from this annual thingy. Check it out (and potentially watch them fail miserably) starting next week at http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/oddaustin!

Monthly MP3: Hey Jude

This month’s freely distributed audio file is a track from our still existent debut album Former Spine. Despite what you may think, it is NOT a cover song. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-jan14

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Being middle-aged on the planet Berkabrakk 7 is not going well for you. You realize that you’ve spent your whole life stuck in the same boring town. When does the monotony end, you wonder aloud. You decide to widen your scope of the universe, literally. Spending a small fortunate and many of the remaining years of your mundane existence, you build a super advanced spaceship. You go about this venture with the crazed and unrelenting dedication of a mad scientist, which results in the dilution of all ties to family and friends. Fine! Who needs them, you think. Upon finishing the device in your old age, you take off into the stars, ready to discover some amazing new race of intelligent life. Years later you land on the planet Earth. Fantastical, you exclaim. Over time though, you ascertain the horrifying truth. “Hey! This place is full of assholes!” You then fall over, dead, having wasted your life on building that stupid machine.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

 “I am going to convince my nephew that ‘lukewarm’ was not a temperature before he was born.” – Nathan Long

MISSION FAILED.
-Austin

Smashy Claw’s Secular Spam to Celebrate [Holiday Name] – 12/23/2013

Sent out to the SC mailing list on December 23, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

NOTE: The following introduction has been edited to exclude specific holiday names (as well as words associated with them) as to not be offensive to any possible demographic.
– Love, the NSA

[Politically correct colloquial holiday] greeting!

Merry [holiday that you celebrate], everybody! Welcome to Smashy Claw’s very special [positive characteristic of the aforementioned holiday that you celebrate] email! As usual, we’ll be filling your [oversized foot-adorning garment] with some updates on the band. So sit back, drink some [sugar-based beverage], eat some [snacks in the shape of icons from that holiday you celebrate], sing some [completely secular, wholesome songs while in no way infringing on any existing copyrights], and see what you got this year! Let’s all have a [tree/shrub type], [adjective denoting merriment] [holiday you celebrate again]!

HEADLINES:

– Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 02-03 – Yuletide Terror
New show up at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords!

– Various Live Recordings
Show footage (http://tinyurl.com/scttt121913) and audio (http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/live-at-hermans-hideaway-10-17-2013).

– Monthly MP3: Spacey Jam
An informal jam: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-dec13

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

– Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Dude, they’re censoring your email!” Those mother-f&#*ers!:

— Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 02-03 – Yuletide Terror —
Just like last year, we’re ending another season of our podcast, Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words, with a nifty holiday special! In this month’s episode, listen as the gang miraculously brings a snowman to life, talk about purchasable coin-filled bank vaults, and save Santa Claus from almost certain death! Check it out at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords.

— Various Live Recordings —
We’ve been playing quite a few local shows recently, and have accumulated some neat documentation of them as a result. We thought we’d share two recordings from some recent concerts around town. First off, a sound-board recording of our November show at Herman’s Hideaway in Denver can be found at http://music.smashyclaw.com/album/live-at-hermans-hideaway-10-17-2013. Secondly, footage of our show from just this past Thursday (12/19) at The Toad Tavern in Littleton is at http://tinyurl.com/scttt121913. The latter was the first show with Chris Clauss, our new guitarist (more on that later).

— Monthly MP3: Spacey Jam —
While practicing for our recent show in Littleton, we recorded this swell improvised jam session. It’s trippy, man. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-dec13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —
With your company’s annual holiday get-together occurring later in the day, you panic with the realization that you forgot all about being a Secret Santa. To make matters worse, it is your crotchety old manager that you were randomly-selected to buy for, so it’s not like you can skip it altogether. With the party hours away, you desperately search your cobwebbed mind for any scrap of knowledge about the mean geezer that might clue you in on something to get him. You suddenly think of the perfect gift as you rush out of your home and off to a local merchant. At the shindig, you present your present to the old man and wait with anticipation. He opens it to find a venomous cobra, which abruptly bites him to death. What the hell?! Couldn’t you have gotten the dude some cookies or a flask maybe? I know those are clichéd, but it’s not like it ever killed anybody to stick to the classics. However, I can think of one recent time when not sticking to them seemed to do just that. Merry Christmas, jerk.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —
“It’s cold.” – Nathan Long

Merry [inflammatorily specific holiday mentioning], people!
-Austin

Smashy Claw’s Thanksgiving Entails Many Cans of Spam – 11/25/2013

Sent out to the SC mailing list on November 25, 2013. To receive updates from us, subscribe now.

Howdy, pilgrim!

In this month’s transcendent electrified mailing message, we will take you on wings of text, as it were, through the vast grassy meadows of our immaculately woven gold strands of delicious heavenly language to describe once more the imperatively important activities of some band or whatever.

HEADLINES:

– CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP, the Music Video
Our first video is out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_nw3YuByKA

– Former Spine, People Seem to Like It!
Folks are digging the record!

– Monthly MP3: Cardiac Probe (Live at Herman’s Hideaway)
Live alien stuff: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-nov13

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

– Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“That was pretty conceited, guys” WE ARE PERFECT, SHUT UP:

— CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP, the Music Video —
In October, we partnered with YouTube sensation Albino Black Sheep to make an animated video for Former Spine’s lead single, “CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP”. It’s our first official music video release, and we’re very proud with how it turned out. If you like adorable gore, you’ll dig it! Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_nw3YuByKA.

— Former Spine, People Seem to Like It! —
Since the release of our debut record last month, a few reviews have been released commenting on the album. You can check them out at http://spheremusic.me/2013/11/05/former-spine-by-smashy-claw/ and http://www.colomusicbuzz.com/smashy-claw-former-spine/, respectively. If you have a blog or something of the like and want to review our CD, we would really appreciate any feedback. Alternatively, you can review on iTunes and Amazon as well.

— Monthly MP3: Cardiac Probe (Live at Herman’s Hideaway) —
This week’s sacrificial audio offering is another selection from our set at Herman’s Hideaway last month. Download link: http://tinyurl.com/scmm-nov13

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope —
After a long night of binge eating and Netflix watching, you venture down to your solemn, lonely bedroom to drift off into another restless dream. As you lie awake in the blackness of your isolated dungeon, you once again consider how vacant and purposeless your life has felt these past few years. As your breath hangs in the cold air, you hug your blankets a little tighter as if to seek some warmth and comfort from something, however inanimate it may be. You desperately plot out how you might improve your dreary situation, continuing the unsuccessful ritual of nights past. Alas though, on this night a realization hits as you abruptly sit up in your mattress. You seem oddly excited about the future for the first time in many hundred hopeless days. The next morning you sell all your earthly possessions, give all but $20 of your life savings to charity, and with the remainder buy a costume from the local flee market. You spend the rest of yours days standing out on the highway dancing for the passing vehicles as Lumpy the Rug-Cutting Bumblebee. Dude… what? Why did you think this was a good idea?

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —
“Everyone, your wish has been granted. Nathan has laryngitis and will actually shut up for once.” – Nathan Long

Goddamn, we’re awesome.
-Austin

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