Smashy Claw | Experimental Rock

Smashy Claw Ruins Your Appetite with Their Special Spam Stuffing – 11/16/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on November 16, 2012.

We are a band that sends mail, oh here’s some now!

Hey people! Here we are once again, sending you a fabulous compendium of random gobbledygook regarding all the new things that are happening in the land of Smashy Claw! What lies within this month’s mailing list adventures, you ask? It could be rib-shatteringly comedic. It could be heart-explodingly tragic. You will have to read on in order to unlock these fantastical mysteries of the universe.

HEADLINES:

– Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-04 – Behemoth Syndrome
Yes, the podcast still exists! http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords

– A Live Recording for All!
http://smashyclaw.com/album/live-at-the-deer-pile-in-denver-co-11-10-2012

– Attachment: Carl Sagan, Live
Attached is a live recording of our jammingest song!

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Where is the mail, you promised me mail!” Whoa, cool it, dude! Here it is:

Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-04 – Behemoth Syndrome

Ladies and gentleman, we proudly present the latest episode of our weird-ass sketch podcast (the 4th to be exact), Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words. Go on over to the usual URL (http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords) and download or subscribe (if you haven’t already, you monster!). In this edition of the show, we outline some famous mythical stories through a prism of foul-mouthedness, hear about a wonderful new cloning service, and become smarter by learning another new word of the day!

A Live Recording for All!

As you may recall, in last month’s update we mentioned our then upcoming show at the Deer Pile in Denver, CO. That concert has come and gone, and I’m sure quite a few of you couldn’t make it. Luckily for you and your whole family though, we can remedy your horrible, throbbing not-being-there sickness by supplying a recording of the festivities! Please visit http://smashyclaw.com/album/live-at-the-deer-pile-in-denver-co-11-10-2012 to hear audio for each song we performed that night. The sound quality isn’t great, but the show was!

Attachment: Carl Sagan, Live

Just in case you’re pretty busy or maybe feeling really goddamned lazy, so much so that listening to the whole Deer Pile show audio (“No video? What’s this shit!”) is out of the question, please enjoy a sample of the concert as this month’s song attachment. This selection from the set is our instrumental jam song “Carl Sagan’s Big Groovy Adventure Through Time & Space”.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

You will wake up with a headache that thumps in your head so ferociously that you will have no choice but to jerk up and run to your kitchen for aspirin. Once you’ve begun the familiar ten foot trek, however, you find that your feet are encompassed in muddy grass, and your kitchen is nowhere to be found. In fact, you’re not in your house at all. You quickly realize that you accidentally fell asleep in your brother’s time machine again and you’ve been sent back to the Mesozoic era for the third time this week. Though you’ve acquired some basic knowledge on how to survive in this environment from your past misadventures, you still shudder with fear at the prospect of being eaten alive by some snarling reptile beast.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

 “My Thanksgiving feasting starts now!” – Nathan Long

Try not to get so caught up in all that turkey that you accidentally eat your cousin’s left foot off.

-Austin

Smashy Claw’s Super Scary, Seriously Spooky Spam (That Has Little to Do with Halloween) – 10/19/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on October 19, 2012.

Greetings, foolish humans!

It is I, the Halloween Claw Goblin, here to regale you with the spooky adventures of some rock band or something. What horrifying truth will this month’s extra scary mailing list edition unveil? Will we find out that Smashy Claw gets their name from their fetish for murdering hitchhikers with a rusty hook while they’re driving to their concerts? Will we learn that Austin is Greek for ‘savage’ and Nathan is Latin for ‘psychotic’? Um… not likely, actually based on what I’m seeing below, it’s just a bunch of the normal shit.

HEADLINES:

– Smashy Claw Piles on a Deer and Rocks It All Night!
SC’s next concert is 11/10 in Denver, CO! For details, visit http://tinyurl.com/94rrppx.

– Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-03
New podcast episode! Get it at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords

– Attachment: Slaughtered Laundry Day
Attached is an experimental nonsense song!

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

– Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Goblin guy, this intro is too long!” I WILL CRUSH YOUR BONES INTO DUST:

— Smashy Claw Piles on a Deer and Rocks It All Night! —

Come one; come all to the next Smashy Claw live concert event! On November 10, 2012, the gang will be performing a show at the Deer Pile art venue in Denver, CO. This show is particularly special because it features other nifty, like-minded bands. In addition to the glory of SC, you’ll be treated to performances by such acts as The Inactivists and more. For details, please visit http://tinyurl.com/94rrppx.

— Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-03 —

We’ve just released the newest episode of our podcast, Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words! In this 3rd show, we discover a disturbing truth about a restaurant establishment, learn some more nifty vocabulary, and most importantly: attempt to answer the great mysteries of the universe. To experience the majesty of this podcast, download it at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords!

— Attachment: Slaughtered Laundry Day —

Lately, we’ve been recording a lot of short songs, specifically to be used in the podcast. This month’s free mailing list file is one of that ilk. I can’t really say what it’s about. Nothing, I guess. It’s just alliterative gibberish, and that’s pretty darn cool. So, if you enjoy brief experimental songs that use a lot of weird vocal harmonies and kitchen silverware percussion, what are you waiting for?

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope 

You will stay up until midnight writing a message for your band’s mailing list, even though you have to wake up at five in the morning the next day so you won’t miss the two-hour bus ride that takes you to college. As a result, you won’t have much time to come up with the usual clever fake horoscope for all the people who spend each waking moment of their lives in anticipation for it (approximately: none). Purple monkey dishwasher.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

 “Today, I got to briefly test Windows 8… be afraid, be very afraid.” – Nathan Long

Trick or treat, smell my feet, I WILL HAVE YOUR SPLEEN TO EAT.
– HCG

Smashy Claw Humbly Submits, For Your Viewing Pleasure, Their Amazing Fantastical Spam – 9/22/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on September 22, 2012.

This is an automated introduction to the Smashy Claw digital postal invoice,

Hello, I am Fargus Botface, robo-mascot of the rocking rolling group Crushing Fist (redact notice: Smashy Claw). I have been instructed to provide a suitable introduction for this cycle’s electronic mailing curriculum… my tiny processors deem the previous sentence adequate enough.

HEADLINES:

– Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-02: Boiling Chocolate
New podcast episode available at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords

– September Album Progress
Below is a brief update on the recording progress of our debut album.

– Attachment: No One Left in Boston
Attached is a creepy acoustic song about the apocalypse.

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“News, robot dude, NEWS!” Target acquired, detonating news:

Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words, Episode 01-02: Boiling Chocolate

The second episode of our podcast, Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words is now available to the listening public! If you haven’t heard the show yet (I’m looking at you, majority of the world!), what are you waiting for, cancer? Seriously, cancer? You’d rather contract a terrible disease and die a horrible death rather than face an awkward situation where we question you about why you haven’t heard our podcast yet? That’s pretty ridiculous, man. But whatever, do what you think works, I guess. Obviously, this guy here is mentally unstable, but I’m sure the rest of you will have no problem checking out our awesome show. Cleverly Arranged Words can be found on iTunes, or at http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlyarrangedwords.

September Album Progress

I don’t know how many people will care about the technical aspects of our recording process, or a timeline of album completion, but I’ve decided to start providing this information in these monthly updates. We’ve been hard at work in the studio, recording our debut record album. Thus far, we’ve gotten pretty much all the rhythm sections done, as well as the MIDI and vocals. Actually, we’re about done with the recording side as a whole. Just a ton of mixing and mastering to do before we can provide this disc to you for a very reasonable price ($39.95 is reasonable, right?). Expect this miraculous gift to humanity to be released sometime in the next decade!

Attachment: No One Left in Boston

This month’s free mailing list audio file is an old to us, new to you acoustic number about zombies or whatever. We’re not sure if this will ever be released on a CD, so enjoy the amazing exclusivity you get just by subscribing to this fantabulous email thing we provide… seriously though, thank you for your continued reading of our endless drivel.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

You will find yourself alone, driving down a stretch of vacant road in the middle of the night, far away from your home. You’ll see a hitchhiker standing in the median with a thumb extended out from his shaking, frozen hand. The stranger is wearing mismatched shoes, a torn multi-colored sports jacket, and a hockey mask. At first you’re hesitant to pick this fellow up. Alas, the words of your dearly departed mother come rushing back to you: “treat others as you wish they would treat you.” So, you decide against your better judgment to help the guy out. The next day in that town’s paper the headlines read: Local hitchhiker disemboweled, raped, and skinned alive by out-of-town driver. I guess you only pay attention to your mom’s advice when it suits your disgusting psychopathic urges, you freak!

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

 “I cannot think of anything to say.” – Nathan Long

This concludes our business, carry on.

– Fargus

Smashy Claw Slowly Encroaches in on Your Personal Space with Their Menacing Spam – 8/8/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on August 8, 2012.

Yo, yo, yo, wassup, wassup!

Like, OH…. MY… GAWL, it’s totally a new email from Smashy Claw! Oooh, aren’t they just the total crunk rad balls dope? They’re like… cool or whatever. If they were to compile a document that informed me of impending band happenings and/or currently available products/music, I would examine the mailing text and endeavor to pursue each link within the document in question…. like totally. You would too, right? RIGHT!?

HEADLINES:

– Smashy Claw Did a Show, You Weren’t There, But It Was Neat
Watch performances from Smashy Claw’s recent Dickens Opera House show at http://www.youtube.com/smashyclaw

– Killer Calamari is a Band on the Internet
Austin has a side project, check it out at www.killercalamari.bandcamp.com

– Attachment: “The Tonka Truck Said Moo?”
Attached is a thing, you like things, right?

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“I don’t appreciate your lengthy introductions!” Hold your equines, the news is right here:

Smashy Claw Did a Show, You Weren’t There, But It Was Neat

A few weeks ago, Smashy Claw performed its first full-band live concert experience extravaganza spectacular. There were some funny moments, there were some serious moments, but above all else: there were moments where we forgot how to play our own goddamn music. Regardless, we have documented this historic event in the form of recorded video files. You may now watch us fumble about on stage in front of a captivated audience of living people at our YouTube channel (http://www.youtube.com/smashyclaw), where several songs from the show have been uploaded.

Killer Calamari is a Band on the Internet

For a while, Austin has been collaborating with catchy songwriter TV’s Kyle (www.tvskyleband.com). He’s done guitar work on a lot of Kyle’s albums, and Kyle also will be playing accordion on the upcoming debut Smashy Claw album (due out sometime in the next decade!). The two have decided to start a side-project band called Killer Calamari. Their debut song is about a weird amalgamation of Spider-Man and Wolverine. It’s called “Spiderine”. You can check it out at www.killercalamari.bandcamp.com.

Attachment: “The Tonka Truck Said Moo?”

Per usual, we are giving you a free audio file this month. This time, it’s a short song about… uh, something stupid. I don’t know. Austin wrote this a long time ago.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Being hungry one day, you look in your home’s refrigeration unit in order to locate some delicious edible food stuffs in which to cram into your face and forcefully swallow. Once you open the door however, you find that you have forgotten to venture to the grocery dispensary this week to replenish your household’s supply of eatty thingies. Luckily, there are small amounts of food remaining, scattered throughout the fridge. In a moment of weakness and logic-defying hunger, you decide to combine all these items to form a monstrous franken-meal. Fortunate for you, these particular items you’ve assembled were prepared in just the right way as to find the recipe for immortality. The denizens of the world soon discover your secret, and attempt to kill you to get it… they are not a bright bunch. Soon you find these assassination attempts kind of annoying, so you murder all the people in the world with a gigantic nuclear missile. Sadly, you did not consider the repercussions of your genocidal revenge. With no more people occupying the earth, you sit in a baron wasteland, unable to die, bored as all shit, and having destroyed all food on the planet. Though you can never die, you still have a terrible hunger pane that will last for all eternity.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

 “Trail Mix is the expensive way to buy M&Ms.” – Nathan Long

I’m right behind you, stroking your hair. Don’t fight it, don’t fight it…

-Austin

Smashy Claw Spammy Spam Spams Your Spammer Spamming Spammer – 7/7/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on July 7, 2012.

Howdly-ho, neighborinos!

Yet again, it is time for the thing you no doubt lie awake at night thinking about while brimming with anticipation and sweat, the thing that the fabric of your universe hinges on, the reason for your very existence: Smashy Claw related news stories!

HEADLINES:

Smashy Claw Plays for Some Ghosts!
SC plays a FREE show at the Dickens Opera House in Longmont, CO on 7/22/2012.

Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words
We started a podcast: http://tinyurl.com/8yc525t

Holy Crap, Batman, People! BATMAN! Also, Something About a Spider Guy or Whatever
Why are you reading this? Go see some superhero movies already.

Attachment: Guilty
Attached is a short song about murder.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“NEWS, WE WANT NEWS!” FINE!:

Smashy Claw Plays for Some Ghosts!

On July 22, come see Smashy Claw play its first show with their new amazing drummer, Mr. Dave Frey. This historic event will be held at the legendary (and allegedly haunted) Dickens Opera House in Longmont, CO (300 Main Street). Watch as we play for a room full of ghosts that are there against their will. We’ll be performing a one hour show, which will basically take our entire first album to fill. It’ll be neat! Also, this show is free. FREE, people! It costs no money. It literally will take no currency to attend this concert. The approximate amount of dollars you have to spend to watch us play is zero…. FREE! Please, be there.

Smashy Claw’s Cleverly Arranged Words

In a world where most bands make music, we dare to be different by making a sketch comedy podcast. Yeah seriously, we’re doing that now. We really don’t know why. Despite it being a rather odd move, we assure you that the podcast is awesome. You should totally go subscribe on iTunes, which is available through this online link portal: http://tinyurl.com/8yc525t.

Holy Crap, Batman, People! BATMAN! Also, Something About a Spider Guy or Whatever

Dude and madam, I humbly present a simple query that I have: WHAT THE HELL! You’ve been reading this update for what, like 5 minutes or something? That’s time you could have put to better use watching The Amazing Spider-Man or standing in front of your local theatre, with a pile of drool forming at your feet, waiting for The Dark Knight Rises to come out. Yeah, yeah, we know this is probably a dumb thing to mention in an update that’s supposed to promote our own creative efforts. Really though, there’s not much going on around here. Let go of your unnatural lust for Smashy Claw for two seconds and go see this stuff! Alright there, just thought I’d get the word out. These films are kind of low on the national radar, ya know? If we didn’t promote them, THEY MIGHT NOT MAKE IT!

Attachment: Guilty

There’s like, a song… that you can download… and it’s like…. below this text… yeah.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

You will lock your keys in your car and be extremely frustrated with yourself for your lack of foresight. As a result, you will develop a device to shock yourself every time you’re about to do something against your own interest (like sitting on a baby or stabbing a coworker 73 consecutive times). This technology becomes widely popular among the consumer culture of America, and in time, the world. You become a trillionaire entrepreneur. Sadly though, as you are the person who has had the most exposure to the machine, the effects start to wear off. The shock doesn’t prevent you from doing bad things anymore; instead it provides you with a fond remembrance of your success. Tiny inconveniences slowly begin to pile up again as they once did years earlier. The stress builds and builds inside you. One day, these annoyances cause you to go insane. You use your vast fortune to buy millions of pairs of oddly colored shoes. Now you’re a broke hermit living in some ditch, sleeping each night on a pile of shoes.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

If Mr. Magoo could see, the show would suck.” – Nathan Long

I predict that you will eat food sometime before the next update.

-Austin

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