Smashy Claw | Experimental Rock

Smashy Claw Spamulates Your Inboxitron – 6/13/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on June 13, 2012.

Oh hey! We remember you!

It’s time once more for you to be updated on the goings on of this weird band thing. First off, we’d like to answer a question that has been frequently asked. The query being: “How is a Smashy Claw made?” We here at Smash Corp. would be more than delighted to indulge your unhealthy obsession by detailing the long, arduous, boring process that goes into making a Smashy Claw. It’s quite simple, really. First, you get two ladies to have kids that are weird. Then, you have those two weird dudes meet in their late teen years. Then you have them start a band for some reason. There! You can now make your very own SC in the comfort of home, at your own convenience! Luckily for us, like all good cooking shows, we have a Smashy Claw premade right here:

HEADLINES:

– Dave Frey, the Drummer Guy
Holy crap, people, SC has a new member!

– A Pre-Cover?

A cover of an unreleased song! http://thefump.com/fump.php?id=1553

– Attachment: A Very Dumb Mash-Up

Attached is a cover of “Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, sort of.

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Hey, shut up already, news guy!” Alright, MOM:

Dave Frey, the Drummer Guy

It’s odd that in the introduction I made some dumb joke regarding only two people being the ingredients that make up Smashy Claw, cause we totally just got a new member. We’re extremely proud to announce the arrival of SC’s very own hitter of things with sticks, Dave Frey… he’s a drummer. Mr. Frey (pronounced as ‘Fry’) has been with us for like two weeks and he’s totally still here! How cool is that? We’re planning to book quite a few shows in the future in order to show off our fancy new drumming guy. Stay tuned, tune stayers, for more information on these events in the coming months.

A Pre-Cover?

It’s likely that very few of you have ever heard of a thing called Rycehat. It was a side-project that Austin had a few years ago. More or less, it was the dumb predecessor of Smashy Claw. One good song that came out of that time was about a superhero called “Uber Shrug”. For some reason, Austin’s friend Insane Ian has decided to cover this particular tune. In it, he uses the updated lyrics that we were planning on recording for a Smashy Claw version sometime in the future. So, now when we release ours, the consensus will be that we’re covering Ian…. greeaaat. Pre-covers are a tricky gambit. Anyway, here’s the thing! http://thefump.com/fump.php?id=1553

Attachment: A Very Odd Mash-Up

Per usual on the mailing list, this month we’re sending you a totally new recording. Today’s song is, like last time, a cover. Oddly though, it’s a cover of two things that should probably never have been put together. We regretfully present to you, our cover of “Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, and the Chicken Dance. Our pal, Eric Phelan contributes the lead vocals on this one, because it’s all his fault.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

You will buy stock in Google. Unfortunate for you, that very stock plummets dramatically the very next month. You buy what you can back, but it rises again the next month. Succumbing to your baser instincts, you buy back in but it falls once more. This sequence continues until you’ve lost your home and mortgaged your children’s future with your selfish stock gambling. As a result, you spend what little cash you have left on helping your friend develop a gigantic planetary death laser. Once it’s finished, he gives you one to beta test. You attempt to make toast with your new shiny toy but slip and accidently destroy Canada.

Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Cigarettes are like cancer, if you have some in high school, you’ll be pretty popular.” – Nathan Long

Here’s hoping that you won’t die horrifically before the next update.

-Austin

Smashy Claw Sends You Links to Pictures of Cats – 5/12/2012

Sent out to SC mailing list on May 12, 2012.

Hey! You’re like that one Clobbery Hook mailing list or something, right?

Welcome lads and ladies, men and duel-chest-orb-beholders, pogo-wasted organisms and females, boys and people, children of all ages, and any other variety of indiscriminate gender, to this: the month’s Smashy Claw email update! This time around we’ll share some laughs (and/or organs), learn some important lessons about hygiene, and just maybe we’ll see through all the grimy chaos that is ubiquitous in this crazy universe of ours and discover the true meaning of existence itself.

HEADLINES:

– Demos, Demos. Dear Christ, So Many New Demos!
Hear 14 new demo recordings at http://smashyclaw.com/album/fawm-2012.

– A Brief Plug for the Ukraine’s Best Singing Guy!
Pal of the band, Ruddy Shruggs just released a new album! http://www.ruddyshruggs.bandcamp.com

– Attachment: Various Beatliness
Attached are covers of The Beatle’s “Mean Mr. Mustard” and “Fool on the Hill”.

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

– Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise

“Geez, enough with the intro, dude, it’s news time!” I could not possibly agree more, good chum:

— Demos, Demos. Dear Christ, So Many New Demos! —

As we’ve been rambling on about for some time now, Austin and Nathan both participated in this year’s FAWM (February Album Writing Month) challenge. As a result, several new song ideas and demos were created. Austin wrote and recorded 14 demos throughout the month, ultimately proving that he is much more competent on a schedule than Nathan, who amassed one or two songs total (in your damned face, Nathan!). Oh well, listen to Austin’s output from this momentous event at http://smashyclaw.com/album/fawm-2012.

— A Brief Plug for the Ukraine’s Best Singing Guy! —

Recently, Austin started a side project called Ruddy Shruggs. In this silly endeavor, Austin records cover songs over MIDI files in a weird accent. Please no questions about why this stupid thing exists, it is what it is, and we have no idea. We think it’s hilarious, maybe you will too! Find out which side of the Ruddy coin you fall on by visiting http://www.ruddyshruggs.bandcamp.com for a free download of Shruggs’s debut studio recording CD vinyl record cylinder album cassette MP3!

— Attachment: Various Beatliness —

A while ago, Austin recorded several covers of short songs for no intelligible reason. To continue with our quest to give you a new audio file every update, here is one of those recordings from the ancient year of 2010. This particular one is a cover of The Beatle’s obscure track (though, is any Beatles track really ‘obscure’?), “Mean Mr. Mustard” that appeared in the Abbey Road Medley on the album Abbey Roadwhich was recorded at Abbey Road Studios which is located on Abbey road. Oh, and we tacked on something that Nathan through together too…. music!

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope 

You will have a dream that primates were not the only animals to evolve higher intelligence, but chickens as well. You will imagine that these humans and giant, talking chickens coexist within one world. You will soon realize that what you thought was reality is not and that sentient poultry really does roam the planet. Being the disgusting chicken bigot you are, you rally a bunch of like-minded people to exterminate the big birds in order to form a harmony for human existence. An activist group protests your discriminatory ways, and sit on your front lawn with delightful signs that say things like “make love, not chicken breast” and “no blood for fowl”. After a heart-felt speech from the leader of the protest group, you decide that the chicken monsters really aren’t that bad. You desist your war strategies and declare your intention to let the chickens live. However, your instincts will be proven right when the birds wage war on all of humankind the very day after you announced your desire for peace. They will enslave humanity and make you wear frilly, degrading night gowns that are just small enough to be annoyingly uncomfortable. When not eating at the “Kentucky Fried Human” food chain, the chickens will cut off our heads and watch us run around. Also, the term ‘human’ will be used derogatorily to punish cowardice.

— Nathan Long Gets a Word in Edgewise —

In this new segment, the other half of Smashy Claw: Nathan Long gets to write a random funny statement to use in the mailing list. Alright, whadaya got for us this month Nathan old boy?
“This is a random funny statement to use in the mailing list.” – Nathan Long

Food is tasty.
-Austin

A Brief Update – 4/26/2012

Sent out to SC mailing list on April 26, 2012.

Hey gang,

Once again, we have little to report here on the Smashy Claw mailing list, but still are attempting desperately to convey that we still exist. Per usual, I’ve attached a song for you to listen to, as thanks for sticking with this ol’ email correspondence thing we’ve got going on. This one’s another demo from FAWM 2012, it’s called “Amygdala”.

So, uh…. news, right… what to say, what to say. Oh, I’ve got a few!

– We’re currently working on our debut album, we hope to start recording next month.
– Austin ate a bunch of chocolate while on a diet, and feels awful now.
– Nathan probably breathed or something, I don’t know, he doesn’t write these updates.

Until next month’s mailing: try not to get dehydrated in the woods and start a war between a colony of mutant wolf-creatures.

– Austin

A Brief Update – 3/28/2012

Sent out to SC mailing list on March 28, 2012.

Hey people,

This month, there won’t be a big mailing list update like there usually is, there’s just nothing new to report really.

However, I would like you to know that we still exist. Thus, attached is a new demo I wrote and recorded for the February Album Writing Month challenge (more information about that next month). This will not be on our currently-being-recorded CD, but our CD-to-be-recorded-after-the-one-that-is-currently-being-recorded… or I guess ‘2nd CD’, would be a less confusing term. Anyway, enjoy, won’t you?

Other than that, may your proceeding month be free of STDs and malignant tumors.

-Austin

Smashy Claw Rocket Launches Spam Into Your Email Receptacle – 2/1/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on February 1, 2012.

‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, ol’ mailing list chums!

It’s time once again, small collection of people on the internet who enter your email addresses into strange band mailing list forms, for a lovely and frank one-sided discussion on what’s going on with the aforementioned strange band. Perhaps once and for all we’ll figure out exactly,‘What the Hell is a Smashy Claw?’ (which also happens to be the name of our zany new game show that’s premiering on ABC this fall). So, without further delay by adding introductory sentences that are way too long and quite tangential to the news at hand and just seem to go on and on, here are some sweet, juicy, so-good-it-has-to-be-fattening headlines for you kind folk. This month is a big one for us.

HEADLINES:

– 29 New Songs in 29 Days? Holy Crap!

Smashy Claw takes on the FAWM challenge!

Austin: http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/oddaustin

Nathan: http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/jimbozinoh

– Let’s Make a CD!

Pledge now and receive our upcoming debut album and other nifty rewards!

http://www.tinyurl.com/smashycd

Bloody Song Carnage,Oh the Humanity!

ANOTHER new song up at http://www.SongFight.org!

– Live on a Moving Vehicle!

Attached is a live version of “CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP”, as performed on a bus.

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

“Give us some news already, you jerkhead!” Alright, alright, no need for name-calling, dude!

29 New Songs in 29 Days? Holy Crap!

Last year, Austin participated in a songwriting challenge called ‘February Album Writing Month’, or FAWM for those who fancy abbreviations. FAWM tasks any and all willing song makers to write 14 new songs in the 28-day month of February (this year is a leap year, thus an extra half a song is required). In 2011, this challenge resulted in the best work Austin had ever done. So naturally, the whole band is going back this year in order to potentially fail all over again! Both Austin and Nathan will be attempting their own separate challenges. This means that over the course of 29 days, Smashy Claw will have made demos for 29 new songs. Let’s see Katy Perry pull that shit off! The proceedings of FAWM can be found at http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/oddaustinand http://www.fawm.org/fawmers/jimbozinoh, respectively.

Let’s Make a CD!

Smashy Claw is working on their first official CD album release! This record will contain at least 14 catchy original alternative rock tunes that are sure to stay stuck in your head for at least the amount of time you are listening to them. We’ve found a super-awesome professional recording studio to record it in, and we’re going to start the production process as soon as possible. The thing is, studios cost moneys. In order to alleviate our lack of moneys, we are starting the “Campaign to Fund Smashy Claw’s First CD and Rebuild Your Local Community but Mostly the Smashy Claw Thing” campaign. We have set up a KickStarter project where you can pledge an amount of dollars of your choosing to the cause. Each pledge receives an appropriately awesome reward. For instance, if you pledge a mere $1 you’ll get added to another mailing list (which will send behind-the-scenes information on the album and other cool stuff)! Pledge $10 and get your very own copy of the album! Also, the higher the amount you pledge, the more the rewards keep piling on! So, if you get Level 4, you will get all the rewards in that package, along with all the rewards in Levels 1-3, and so on! Don’t miss your chance to participate in the funding of our debut album, and enjoy the wonderful, warm, awesomeness of reciprocity! Visit the official project page at http://www.tinyurl.com/smashycd.

Bloody Song Carnage, Oh the Humanity!

If 29 songs weren’t enough for all of you, it’s now a nice even 30! We’ve also submitted yet another song to the SongFight! challenge. We have retitled it “Outbreak”, it’s about an outbreak…. yeah. Go check it out at http://www.SongFight.org, vote for it if you don’t think it’s the worst thing ever!

Live on a Moving Vehicle!

We like the idea of giving you guys (who trusted us by giving away your email address, with the risk of receiving whatever weird and potentially ridiculous things we might fling your way) a free and previously unreleased MP3 as often as possible during these updates. Accordingly, here is a live solo performance of “CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP” that Austin performed on a freaking moving bus (traveling at terrifying speeds down some Minneapolis, MN highway) in early 2011. There’s a lot of interruption from the crowd, but we like the weird communal feel that’s all up in that bitch.

F#$@ed Up Horoscope

A vat of sentient taco mix will form into a giant gooey monster. It will come to your town and feast on the people in your neighborhood that frequently ate at Mexican themed food establishments. You are a vegetarian though, so it lets you live. However, before it leaves forever, it calls you a pussy under its breath. You are thankful that your limbs weren’t torn apart by the diarrhea-inducing treat, but you feel a slight sting from the remark for the rest of the day. Occasionally, you’ll think back to the event, even years afterward, and feel a slight twinge of pain caused by the thoughtless name-calling that was subjected upon you by the amorphous blob.

If you ever need a blood transfusion from a stranger: please call someone else,

Austin

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