Smashy Claw | Experimental Rock

Smashy Claw Clutters Your Inbox with Spammy Goodness – 1/10/2012

Sent out to the SC mailing list on January 10, 2012.

Oh hi there, you adorable mail list patron, you!

Smashy Claw has been hard at work on writing this update. It’s unfortunate though that more work seems to have been put into making this message than other things, like for instance: music. That is to say that by reading this, you will be horribly, limb-numbingly bored. Wait, no… I’m being informed that what I have just typed is perhaps the worst attempt at getting an audience excited about upcoming events in the history of the internet. Scratch that then, everything you’re about to read is the absolute balls! We spent countless hours tracking down items such as: Chuck Norris beard, sixty-seven fur coats, ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, the first issue of Batman (Detective Comics #27), and ionized kitten whiskers encrusted with diamonds, all to use as ingredients in this, the ultimate orgasmic cocktail of mailing list excellence. How’s that?

HEADLINES:

– Buy Tickets to Our Upcoming Concert or Fifty Mermaids Will Perish!
http://www.GorillaMusic.com/eagleone/buy-tickets/ (Denver, CO – January 29, 2011.)

– Another Musical Duel to the Death!
http://www.SongFight.org/ (Vote for our new tune, if you like it!)

– Blues Has Never Been This Warm and Sticky!
Attached is a hastily recorded thingamajig!

– F#$@ed Up Horoscope

“Get to the news already, you long-winded asshat!” Right-o, good madam or sir!

— Buy Tickets to Our Upcoming Concert or Fifty Mermaids Will Perish! —

Get adequately prepared to endeavor in the activity of rocking and/or rolling, people who live near Colorado! We’re about to unleash a veritable truck-load of that variety of activity right in your general direction! We are playing a gosh-darned Battle of the Bands in Denver, CO on January 29th at the Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom. Fancy! We strongly encourage you and everyone you’ve ever met to attend, as the number of people we get to come pertains to our overall success in the battle. The more tickets a group helps sell, the later on in the event they play. The later on in the event they play, the more people in attendance, the more attention they get as a group. Since we’re sort of a new band, we could sure use as much exposure as possible. Please indulge your money dollars in the promise of a shiny ticket to this event athttp://www.gorillamusic.com/eagleone/buy-tickets/. To reiterate, the show is in Denver, CO on January 29th, so there. You have all the information to fill out the form, buy your tickets (like the caring, loving, amazing individual you are), and help us not look like a bunch of fan-less music noob morons at this event. WE LOVE YOU.

— Another Musical Duel to the Death! —

As mentioned in our previous update, Smashy Claw occasionally participates in the ungodly holocaust of musical terrorism known as SongFight!. In an uncharacteristic fit of not-being-lazy-itude, we have managed to write, record, and submit two new songs to these proceedings in the last few weeks alone. The latest of these tracks can be found on the homepage at http://www.SongFight.org, under the title “A Conversation”. This oddly paced ditty is about Spider-Man or some sort of similar arachnid based super creature. If you like the tune, please go ahead and give it a vote. If you loath it entirely, please feel free to reply to this update with a photo of your middle finger attached.

— Blues Has Never Been This Warm and Sticky! —

As we’ve made rather clear in the past, we like to record random crap when we’re bored. Luckily (sadly?) for all of humanity, we are passing along one of these hastily prepared abominations on to you, our loyal fanbots, for your continued reading of our endless mailing list drivel. Attached to this email, you’ll find an MP3 of an on-the-spot blues performance we made that we’ve logically titled, “The Syrupy Blues”. Enjoy!?

— F#$@ed Up Horoscope 

The Doctor and Sam Beckett will arrive (from the future) in your house at the same time in the attempt to solve some sort of life crisis you are having. Ultimately, the two do-gooders will play rock-paper-scissors to decide who gets to help you. Sam will lose the first game, but do what all the sore RPS losers do and ask for the best 2 out of 3. The Doctor will beat Mr. Beckett all three times, but in kindness, allow him to regain some of his ego by playing a game of Thumb Wars for the prize. The Doctor will then feign an arm cramp in order to let Sam Beckett win, so he doesn’t feel all bad about himself and stuff. Then The Doctor will leave, and you’ll be left there with stupid Sam Beckett. Well, I mean… I guess he’s not terrible, it’s just when compared to The Doctor he just seems soooo lame.

Yours falsely,
Austin

About Austin

1/3 of Smashy Claw... THE IMPORTANT 1/3!

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